Clay Warren

That bear story

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Letter from Clay Warren

Wildlife – March 2007 – Colorado Central Magazine

Editors:

Ordinarilly I wouldn’t a paid a bit o’ heed to any bear story told by a cop. However, as soon as ah see’d thet the government was doin’ hits best to discredit not one, but two actual qualified observers, ah knew in an instant what was goin’ on here: we’re talking Coverup! Ah’m jist suprised thet them two hunters wasn’t accused o’ mistaken a sow and two half growed cubs at 60 yards fer a weather balloon. Ah mean two guys with thet kind o’ combined experience around bears? Why hell, if they can’t tell the difference between a black and a grizz, they’d already be in jail for poachin’ an thet’s a fact.

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Kick out the Bay State

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Letter from Clay Warren

Politics – December 2004 – Colorado Central Magazine

Editors,

Ah reckon thet hit was the doe-eyed, near tears, expressions of sadness on the faces of some o’ mah friends what got me to thinkin’ up what I figure is simply another modest proposal, which ah will make below. Defeat is never a pretty thing, but ah suppose whut really hammered hit home was thet this time G.W.(er 43 if yuh prefer) got three million more votes than the hollow man.

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Lots of funny stuff goin’ on

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Letter from Clay Warren

Current events – June 2002 – Colorado Central Magazine

Editors,

Imagine mah suprize when ah got back from several months worth o’ dressin’ up funny to find even funnier stuff goin’ on within’ the pages o’ mah favorite magazine. Combine thet with irrational statements made on facetious radio, factual irresponsibility in letters to the Mtn. Myth, and the Burro Chaser putin’ his foot in his mouth and hit’s just one hell o’ a circus. Plenty o’ clowns, but we need more animal acts. Ah jist hope somethin’ explosive comes along and puts people’s minds’ back in prospective (no pun intended thar).

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A cure for the common trophy home

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Letter from Clay Warren

May 01 Central – May 2001 – Colorado Central Magazine

Editors:

Man! Had ah known that yer supply o’ letters was gettin’ so short that yuh had to resort to usin’ some written by people who are practically employees to fill up the free space in the back, ah’s have come out of semi-enforced, retirement sooner. Ah think it was probably that Tao of Ed remark (fer Pete’s sake we spent millions on the curmudgeon campaign!) which was the last straw, although that would fit with the fibre art piece. And, hit seems like ole Slim Wolfe musta got hisself electerrified at last, er maybe he finally ran into the Wicked Witch o’ the South. In any event, ah always wundered where thet expression “he don’t know his ass from a hole in the ground” come from. Ah had assumed thet hit had a less erudite origin and now thanks to the most recent Colorado Central, ah know better.

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Limits of Political Correctness

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Letter from Clay Warren

Mountain Life – October 1999 – Colorado Central Magazine

Editors,

I knew that the humidity from all the rain and hot weather was going to get to some people, but I had not realized it was so much warmer and wetter to the southeast as to elevate such a crop of grouches and bring the PC storm troopers up like crocus in the spring. I had thought Erik Moore’s Vicarian piece [Aug. 99] would elicit some criticism for its frank truthfulness. Little did I even imagine any criticism would come at me for seemingly innocuous commentary or that anyone would dare criticize a burro chaser in print. I do make note of the fact that humans are the only predators whose chosen foods are the adult version, if one excludes veal and stealing eggs, rather than the young as Mr. Walker points out.

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and apparently he agrees

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Letter from Clay Warren

Dialect – September 1999 – Colorado Central Magazine

…and apparently he agrees

Editors,

I don’t know whether or not to think that my unique style of commentary is under attack by common ridicule, or that imitation is really the sincerest form of flattery. In any event — and at the risk of alienating both of my faithful readers, one of whom had to go to Nevada to find work — I shall refrain from tempering my comments with dialect.

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Academese helps keep secrets secret

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Letter by Clay Warren

July, 1999, edition – August 1999 – Colorado Central Magazine

Academese would keep secrets secret

Editors,

Yere inside the front cover piece ’bout how rafting ain’t fun anymore is about as representative as hit can get fer what happens when big government gets in the act. A bunch o’ our local cold-wet retail moguls now has similar views after being real gung ho ’bout the River Park. Ah’m tryin real hard not ta say ah told you so!

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More about that June issue

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Letter by Clay Warren

June 99 edition – July 1999 – Colorado Central Magazine

More ’bout that issue

Editors,

At the request of both of my faithful readers, ah’m retuning to the word processor to try an’ inject a little humor into the pages o’ Colorado Central. Fer them other three people who were wonderin’ why ah ain’t written much lately, grief has a way of cutting into yere sense o’ humor and priorities too.

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It was enough to drive a man to drink

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Letter from Clay Warren

October edition – November 1998 – Colorado Central Magazine

October edition was enough to drive a man to drink

Editors:

Man! If ever there was an issue to drive a man to drink! O’course we’re talking ’bout a real lo-cal liquid that is best used for pouring over flag burners and bathing on Saturday nights whether ah need to or not. But ah will say thet the one advantage Tennessee has over Colorado, is a surplus o’aqua. Course hit has a surplus o’ rattlesnakes too, but ah wont bring thet up ’cause ah wouldn’t want to discourage any front rangers from moving there where good land is cheap and real green too.

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We gotta do our share for the industrial complex

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Letter by Clay Warren

Mountain Life – October 1998 – Colorado Central Magazine

We gotta do our share to keep the industrial complex cookin’ along

Editors:

Thet fellow Ron Baird’s article about Chama reminds me o’ the punch line in that joke where the canary climbs out o’the dung pile and warbles himself right into the cat’s mouth. Keep yore lip buttoned bub, or 10% o’ the front range will move in on the strength o’ yer recommendation.

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Finally, a reason to go on-line

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Letter by Clay Warren

August 99 edition – September 1998 – Colorado Central Magazine

Finally, a reason to go on-line

Editors:

Man! Ah never thought I’d see such a good use for the Internet, and to think ah missed out on this’n cause ah’m not on line. Here was another o’ them opportunities far me to be the voice o’ reason, the man in the middle, etc., etc., and ah got to read ’bout hit after the fact. Ah mean Steve and Jim both got good valid points, and hit seems to me that they’re talking all round the same subject in his own way. Hit wudn’t so much a debate, as hit wuz a contradiction in terms. Ah mean that stuff thet all of us consider to be productive, is just dirt that would be referred to as the Great American Desert in Yankee circles.

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Use a plain brown wrapper

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Letter by Clay Warren

July Edition – August 1998 – Colorado Central Magazine

Use a plain brown wrapper?

Editors:

Every once in awhile ah git paid lots of money to practice self-abuse. No, no, not that kind of self abuse! Ah’m referin’ to driving long distances on Interstate highways with out either air conditioning nor adequate shock absorbers to combat the sorry state o’ the Nations highways, and then roamin’ around in insect, bar and moose infested forests in a funny git-up once ah git thar.

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Keep the bear spray under your pillow

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Letter by Clay Warren

May 1998 edition – June 1998 – Colorado Central Magazine

Bear spray under your pillow

Editors:

Mah Goodness!!! Get a few days of Spring-like weather and all sorts o’crazy ideas related to food come to the surface. Sort of like the dog stuff under the ice on the north side o’ the cabin. Anybody with a lick o’ common sense would know that in addition to being a potent mineral supplement, Stringtown eggs, effen they wuz really produced in Lake County, would also carry the prospect of a gold nugget in the occasio

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El Nino must have killed the winter mosquito hunt

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Letter by Clay Warren

Wildlife – May 1998 – Colorado Central Magazine

El Niño must have killed Winter Mosquito Hunt in the marshes near Saguache

Editors:

Man! I’m out of it for a little while and everybody goes and gets delusions. First off, Ken Olsen crosses that range we’re all gonna have to cross someday, and don’t even ask if it’s okay with everybody. But then that did sort of fit with his observations about his neighbors.

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Beware the Burro Lobby

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Letter from Clay Warren

Pack-Burro Racing – August 1997 – Colorado Central Magazine

Beware the Burro Lobby and its cleverly hidden agenda

Editors:

Ah was all set to ignore them two essays in Issue #41 [July, 1997], the ones about how real men enjoy the outdoors, as jest another example o’ two extremists train’d to put a happy face on their own personal vices. Then hit occurred to me, “Clay” this little voice says (that’s how things occur to me). Clay, it says, how often does somebody with yere attitude get to play the part of the voice of reason, the guy in the middle, the man o’ moderation, etc., etc.?

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And when elk get real high, do they become mountain goats?

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Letter from Clay Warren

May 1997 edition – June 1997 – Colorado Central Magazine

And when they get real high, elk turn into mountain goats?

Editors:

Ah sincerely appreciate Roger Williams’s remarks in Issue #39 regarding Colorado wildlife. However hit appear’s that ah left a few details unmentioned in my previous letter, for the sake of brevity of course.

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Deskunking recipe works again

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Letter from Clay Warren

Skunks – May 1997 – Colorado Central Magazine

Dear Ed and Martha:

Ah’m writing this letter of thanks on behalf of my hound, Blotch. Blotch, as you may recall, is the one which was once described as what a cross between an Appaloosa stallion and a black-and-white paint mare would look like, iffin’ they was dogs. Blotch would have written this himself, ‘ceptin’ he’s too far-sighted, and his nose always touches three keys at once. Makes for real difficult deciphering of his spelling.

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Go low enough, and an elk can turn into a deer

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Letter from Clay Warren

Wildlife – April 1997 – Colorado Central Magazine

Editors:

After I got all over my indignation at Riff Fenton’s ploy to sucker them Insect Rights protesters into paying a winter visit to the San Luis Valley, I settled down and finished Allen Best’s article about the many misconceptions of some of our seasonal visitors.

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The last straw hits the fan

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Letter from Clay Warren

Local law – July 1995 – Colorado Central Magazine

Editor:

I don’t know if it was the “growth” piece in your issue No. 16 that got me primed, but the Mountain Mail editorial of June 8, about how it’s not too late to Plan, was the last straw. I guess it’s fitting that the publisher of the Mail lives in Poncha Springs, the most government over-controlled town in the valley, because seeking wisdom from some planner from Kansas is like asking a monkey about physics. He knows nothing, but count on him to have an opinion anyway.

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