Brief by Martha Quillen
Humor – January 1997 – Colorado Central Magazine
UFOs will be sighted in that great mysterious valley that lies under the Sangre de Cristos south of the Heart of the Rockies.
Rescue workers will valiantly seek a hiker who wandered into the mountains without food, water or adequate protective clothing.
Optimistic water geologists will promote miraculous new plans that will presumably allow the transport of mountain water to eastern slope cities without adversely impacting rural users. Colorado Springs will announce that even though the Elephant Rock dam is low on its list of priorities, the city has not abandoned proposals for such a water project.
Leadville will surpass all Central Colorado cities in the number of festivals hosted, and numerous participants will collapse, gasping for breath, during their annual Iron Man extravaganza.
Barking dogs will dominate the 1997 crime statistics in Central Colorado, once again continuing to challenge the peace and dignity of our region.
The opening of the new Wal-Mart in Salida will be the social event of the decade, drawing record crowds. Some people are already selecting their new outfits.
1997 will bring increases in public utility rates.
With the 1996 elections decided, talk of recall will haunt various local officials.
Bigger and better jails will be proposed.
Hundreds will move into our region — and will move right back out before the year 2000.
Governor Romer’s Goals 2000 programs will advance discussions on what to do about growth and education — while our towns struggle to provide adequate services to new businesses and residents, and our schools try to curb plummeting test scores.
A tandem prediction: By the time the data necessary to improve curriculum under the Governor’s project is completely tabulated: thousands of inadequately prepared students will be attending state universities. By then, home-schooling, private schools, and alternative schools will threaten state budgets.
Gangs and gang-related problems will by discussed so exhaustively by local school boards and law officers that by the end of 1997 everyone in Central Colorado will finally realize that a homeboy is not a Nintendo game.
City officials, county commissioners and cable executives will conclude that local opposition to any of their proposed policies, decisions, or actions merely reflects the viewpoint of a small but vocal minority that is intent on pursuing a personal agenda.
Due to the FIBArk forecasting method we can safely predict that it will rain on the third weekend in June.
Salida’s solar-powered snow removal system will continue to work intermittently, but roads should be entirely clear by Memorial Day.
The stock market will crash.
Next fall, numerous Colorado homes will be threatened by forest fires. Experts will blame the increased fire threat on the proliferation of large new wooden homes surrounded by uncleared foliage in areas where road access is limited and water supplies are inadequate. Rural officials will crack down on unregulated home remodeling, and improperly located trailer homes.
Martha Quillen received these predictions while meditating at her Qwerty board as a quartz crystal vibrated 25,000,000 times a second!