Sidebar by Patty Lataille
Fashion – February 2006 – Colorado Central Magazine
Editors’ note: The real BarbieTM was introduced by Mattel in 1959. For more than four decades now she’s been loved, cherished, criticized, politicized and analyzed. Over the years, Barbie has become the most iconic fashion figure in America — more familiar than Britney Spears and more timeless than Liz Taylor. The following so-called Barbies, on the other hand, are total counterfeits and rank amateurs and we predict that not a single one of them will still be around in a mere two decades.
Highlands Ranch Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at Park Meadows Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, and a long-haired foreign dog named Honey. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold separately.
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9-mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash — preferably in small, untraceable bills.
She’s perfect in every way. Ken unavailable because he’s always hunting.
Cherry Creek Barbie
This Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper, but you won’t be able to afford any of them.
Commerce City Barbie
This model comes with a tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder, dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small and a NASCAR shirt. Accessories include a six pack of Coors light and a Hank Williams , Jr. CD. Mullet-haired Ken sold separately. Purchase Commerce City Barbie’s pickup and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at Barbie’s Super-Ski Lodge and Alpine Dream Mansion (both sold separately).
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gutted Ken out of Commerce City Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes fake finger nails, and see-through halter top. Barbie’s Dream Double-wide also available.
This doll is made of actual tofu. She comes with long straight brown hair, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow.” She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Boulder Barbies, you get a free rainbow sticker.
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken complete with ’79 Caddy was available, but since addition of infant is very difficult to find.
This Spanish-speaking Barbie comes with both maid and waitress uniforms and a 1984 Toyota with three baby Barbies in the back seat. Optional Ken doll comes with a Meat Packers uniform. Green Cards are not available for Barbie or Ken.
This versatile doll is the only transformer toy in the Barbie series. Convert Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting multiple “snap-on” parts.
Buena Vista Barbie
Great fun. Spontaneous, outdoorsy Barbie comes with 2000 Ford Explorer with 4-wheel drive and heated seats, hiking boots, tent, and snow board rack. Optional Ken doll comes with Chacos, Oakleys, river raft and mountain bike.
(Compiled by Patty LaTaille from various anonymous Colorado Barbie lists circulating on the Internet).