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May the G Force be with You

Brief by Central Staff

Local Publications – September 1998 – Colorado Central Magazine

May the G Force be with You

Among the more unusual local publications we’ve encountered is G Force: A Newsletter for True Believers, also billed as the “official publication of The Holy Order of Qapla.”

To our modest surprise, it originates from red-meat Gunnison, rather than enlightened Crestone.

It’s for fans of television and movie science fiction, like Star-Trek and Babylon 5, and the self-professed cult members use it to swap videos and the like — although there’s one ad for a tile shop that offers “the best craftsmanship this side of Z’Ha’Dum.”

And there’s a question-and-answer column; here’s a sample:

“How do the Vorlons bathe and how do they procreate? It seems the suit might be a challenge.”

“The Vorlons bathe, as most people know, in a large vat filled with liquid methane and nitroglycerin. They are held by a large machine that lowers them into the vat and spins them at 1200 rpm for six minutes. Afterwards, they simply spray themselves with WD-40 and away they go! Duh!

“As for procreation, the Vorlons mate by smashing each other’s suit off using a 32-ounce mallet, then donning swimfins, clown noses, earplugs, wrapping a shower curtain around their heads, and hanging upside down from the trapeze, they stick a finger into each other’s extra ear and hum `Innagoddadavida’ to each other. Don’t you?”

The editor is T.L. Livermore, an occasional contributor to these pages, and if you’re interested in joining the cult, you might write to P.O. Box 1475, Gunnison CO 81230. Or you could get Scotty to beam you to Pat’s Screen Printing, in back of the Boom-A-Rang at 225 N. Main in Gunnison.